First off, I’d like say what an honor it is to be speaking in front of the President, Congress, and the Supreme Court all in the same room. Wow, it’s really cool getting to meet you all together like this. For a small town boy from Connecticut, this is just a dream come true. But all pleasantries aside, I came here to talk about a growing issue that I truly care about, and that I feel, affects us all as Americans.
Let me start by directing your eyes to the calendar, more specifically the year part. Its 2014. We’re living in the age of Imax, Ipads, and P’zones (just a little joke, there but I assure you, my appeal is deadly serious.) Innovation lies behind every corner this nation turns. However, there lingers an untapped under-utilized technology that frankly leaves me baffled…as to why we, as a country, are neglecting to use it. Mr. President, Speaker of the house, members of the court, I’m going to come right out and ask point blank:
Why aren’t more boxing gloves on the end of springs popping out of things?
It’s staggering how rarely, if at all, I see a boxing glove on the end of a spring pop out of a birthday present, a kitchen cupboard, or an elevator door opening. I’m confused to no end at the scarcity of this hilarious occurrence. We are human-beings, and as far as I know, the ONLY species who have mastered the art of attaching boxing gloves to the end of springs and having them pop out of something you weren’t expecting it to pop out of. So, honorable members of the court, WHY is this?
It cannot be the expense of the items needed to create such a contraption. The average cost of materials of a boxing glove on the end of a spring would really only amount to the price of the boxing glove, and the big spring it’s attached to.
Furthermore, the ease of which to make the mechanism is almost alarming in its simplicity. You attach the boxing glove to the end of the spring, and coil the spring back encasing it inside an unassuming enclosure, and wait until that enclosure is opened letting the boxing glove pounce forth, preferably with a satisfying organic “boing” sound. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know much about science, but that certainly sounds easier than making an “atomic bomb” or a “polio vaccine.”
I want to live a world where my children, and my children’s children, think twice before opening the cookie jar, because instead of cookies, a boxing glove on a spring is probably in there and going to pop out. And they’re thinking that because because I’m there too, chuckling sneakily.
I want to live in a world where a boxing match is not won with the boxing gloves on the boxer’s hands, but by the boxing gloves on the end of the springs that pop out of the boxing gloves on the boxer’s hands.
And I want to live in a world where a robber works really hard to crack a bank safe, and then after he rubs his hands together in anticipation of the riches inside, he opens the safe and inside is a note that says “Sayonara sucker! Ha Ha! Signed, the Bank Tellers” and a trap door falls out from under him and he falls into a pit with poison scorpions. One of the scorpions bites him. It’s pretty bad. His vision is blurred a bit, but through the pain the robber finds a bottle of antidote for the scorpion poison. Thinking he’s gotten it all figured out he opens the antidote bottle, but inside there’s actually very little antidote…and a lot of a boxing glove attached to a spring that knocks him out cold. And did I mention it’s all caught on video?! I’m talking about WMDs, people. Weapons of mild delight.
Anyhow, the rest of my initiative is all typed up in a binder and can be found inside this ordinary everyday 10” x 10” box, to be given directly to the President. Here you go, Mr. President. Don’t open it just yet. Maybe wait until you get home and open it up in front of the family.
And a camera.